Bottom line. We all, at one time or another, have had an issue with forgiveness.

And, with every forgiveness story beginning, there will be a gradual emotional ending.

How that emotion affects you may come with peace, or it may smack you upside the head with a huge, “What the hell was I thinking? I can’t forgive you. I take it back. I hate you.”

Because once we are a bit removed from the initial smack, and our eyes start to focus, we realize that there is way more to the act of forgiveness than just saying the words, I forgive you..

This was my story. Maybe it’s your story too.

When the truth was told, I sat stunned listening to my dying father admit to the family secrets, as my mother tried to shut him up. And, even though she never stopped the abuse that lasted all my growing up years, I, in my adult body and my child mind, believed I must forgive them both.

But how do you forgive parents who don’t protect you?

For the next few years, I was on a hamster wheel, mistakenly thinking I was getting somewhere with the anger and blame running in my head. And, like the hamster, I ran the loop because that was all I knew.

The truth is, I had never actually been off the loop.

The fear and shame loop was all that had existed in that deep place of childhood wounding. It was a limited belief in a repeated story. A story that I didn’t know could have optional endings.

But my husband did. He was that brave hand reaching out for mine, waiting for me to reach back. He never gave up on me, even though I bit that hand several times before grabbing it.

After all, that loop was my safe place. Or was it?

“Why do you keep obsessing on it?” he would ask me.

“I’m not obsessing. I’m trying to figure it out.” I would tell him.

“But, honey, you keep saying the same thing over and over and nothing changes.”

As Jack Kornfield says, we become loyal to our stories in rerun.

As long as we are running on that continual fear and shame loop, we are not able to safely access healthy adult coping skills.

So, if this is your story, as it was mine, here are some thoughts on how keeping ourselves stuck in the forgiveness issue of our wounding, plays against us:

LIMITING BELIEFS ABOUT FORGIVENESS THAT KEEP US STUCK

They are to blame that my life is so miserable.
I resent that he/she never said he/she was sorry.
My power is gone.
They ruined my life.
They don’t deserve my forgiveness.

HOW LIMITING BELIEFS ABOUT FORGIVENESS AFFECT US

Keeps us in a perpetual cycle of suffering.
Illness manifests in our physical and emotional bodies.
Keeps us stuck in the lack mindset.
Inhibits abundance from coming into our lives.
Emotional wounds from the past play out in our current relationships.

Bringing emotional peace to your forgiveness story is your own responsibility.

Waiting for your parents, or anyone else for that matter, to release you from that loop of anger, blame, fear, and shame has no more healing effects than a smack upside the head.