Dr. Gabor Mate, expert in addiction and childhood development, says it best:
“The first question should not be, why the addiction? It should be, why the pain?”
Has anyone ever said this to you?
“You are stuck in your victim story, and you are stuck there by choice.”
And, have you ever responded something like this?
“Whoa. Back up, people. Are you blaming me for my own trauma issues?”
Reactive response, right? Years ago, this was me. And, I didn’t totally realize how destructive this reaction was until I began writing my memoir, A Voice in the Tide: How I Spoke My Truth in the Undertow of Denial and Self-Blame.
When writing about my trauma, I had to face the truth in my own story. That’s when I learned how to detox all that fear out of it, and cut ties with my destructive self-talk.
I had been stuck telling and retelling the story of how my trauma was holding me hostage to being sick, angry, and worthless. And, in the process of telling that story, I hoped, wished, and prayed someone else would figure out why I was stuck.
When the truth jumps up and hits us in the face, we are not always ready to hear it.
If this is your truth, as it was mine, reacting to others with insensitive accusations of their insensitivity, then adding them to the list of judgmental jerks who just don’t understand what it’s like to be a victim, will take you nowhere but nose-diving into more shame, blame, and pain.
It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
So, where do we go from there?
Awareness. If we are to heal from our trauma story, we must go to a place of awareness.
Here are 3 questions to ask yourself as you begin your journey into the truth of your trauma pain.
1. WHERE DID THE PAIN BEGIN?
Without a clear understanding/recollection of the original point of wounding/violation, especially if you were a child at the time, our trauma story, as we perceive it, becomes locked into our cellular body. If we cannot describe how we feel, for fear of shame and blame, we hold onto it. That trauma pain remains buried until, sometimes decades later, an emotional trigger aggravates it out. In the re-experiencing of the trauma, again, without understanding its source, we fall into the cycle of blaming and shaming ourselves and others.
2. AM I ADDICTED TO THE RETELLING OF MY VICTIM STORY?
The reason we tell and retell our story is because it is what we know and it’s what we perceive as validating. The story of how we have been victimized becomes our identity. At the cellular level of our trauma experience, we have encoded a story of pain. How we perceive that pain creates our story going forward. If we see ourselves in the story as less powerful, less successful, less able to speak our voice, we are creating a scenario for more of the same because this is our familiar.
3. DO I HAVE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES?
This is a tough question. If we have not had example of healthy boundaries, we have nothing to go on, right? What we have grown up with as our normal, and continued as our normal into our adult life, may be totally feeding into that cycle of re-victimizing ourselves and we are not even aware of it.
Here are a few ways to keep yourself in check:
- Don’t over story, and be aware of those who do. We are all looking to be validated, but sometimes, we just need to listen, observe, and learn.
Don’t over share. Remember, your trauma story, which is your normal, can be traumatizing for others to hear. It may be completely out of their wheelhouse, or it may be triggering to their own trauma that you know nothing about.
Don’t over forgive. Asking for forgiveness over and over is another act of wanting to be validated by someone else. Speak from your heart, not from your fear. Over asking for others to forgive you for overstepping a boundary, puts you right back into the victim vibe.
Awareness is the first step in cutting ties with being stuck in the pain of our trauma. And making a choice to seek truth in who you honestly believe yourself to be in that story and why, is your vehicle of journey.