1. WHEN I TELL YOU I’M HEALING FROM THE TRAUMA OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE, PLEASE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
Don’t tell me to just forget it ever happened, to grow up, or it’s time to get over it. It may have been years since it happened, but my emotional processing is stuck at that early age. I’m learning. Give me time.
2. I’M TRYING TO DETERMINE IF I’M SAFE WITH YOU.
Please don’t take it personally if I back away when we’re speaking. Because my physical and emotional safety was compromised as a child, I may, at times, seem over-reactive in protecting myself. Please be respectful of my personal space. Don’t grab my arm, or hug me from behind without me knowing you’re there. I startle easily...still.
3. PLEASE UNDERSTAND I’M SENSITIVE TO JUDGEMENT.
If you tell me that my learning skills are poor, I may perceive that as, I’m unintelligent. The truth is, I may not learn as quickly as you do. My brain has been rewired by trauma. As a child, while you were learning Math, English, and Science, I was just trying to stay alive. When I sat at my desk each morning just hours after being assaulted physically and emotionally, fractions, spelling, and constructing a proper sentence were not my priority. Please be patient. I’m working on it.
4. RESPECT THAT I DON’T BELIEVE I’M BROKEN.
Don’t tell me I’ve been scarred for life, my spirit has been taken, my dreams have been shattered, or all hope of a “normal” life is gone. I’m trying hard to create a healthy life. When you say these things, it re-victimizes me. I respect the fact that you didn’t realize that.
5. I BELIEVE MY WORTH GOES FAR BEYOND THE DRAMA OF MY TRAUMA.
Because I was groomed from an early age to believe that I’m only worth what I can physically provide to another, I’ve lived my life with little self-worth. Unknowingly, I relied on others to validate me. I’m beginning to understand that now. I’m learning to self-validate.
6. STOP SHAMING ME FOR NOT ATTENDING FAMILY EVENTS.
I’m clearer now and my voice is stronger. I understand that when a child is abused by an adult, it is not their fault. Please be sensitive to the fact that when that child is in the presence of her abuser, it gives that abuser opportunity to re-offend. Hurting his feelings or yours, because you would like to sweep the experience under the rug, is no longer my concern. I’m respecting myself.
7. DON’T TELL ME I MUST FORGIVE THE PERPETRATOR BEFORE I CAN HEAL.
Don’t ask me to forgive and forget or if I’m planning to. Stop telling me that God, my therapist, or someone else will fix it for me. I recognize that healing is my choice and responsibility. Healing comes before forgiving. Surviving comes before living. I’m doing today’s best. Tomorrow is another day.
8. I WANT TO BELONG AND BE LOVED.
As I shift out of my secrets and my fears, I’m exposing myself to the world. Sometimes I stand in the light with a strong voice. Other times I need to be alone and it may seem like I push you away. But underneath all my self-doubt, I’m no different from you. I search for a place I belong, where I am safe, where I can grow in my self-validation, and where I’m loved. But first, and most importantly, I stand in gratitude that I’m learning to love myself.