It has been one full year since my memoir published.
The day it went out into the world was overwhelming for me on many levels. I thought I was ready. But really, how can anyone be ready for laying out their most private secrets in full view? And, how can you prepare yourself for what might come back in reaction to it?
You can’t.
You just have to go on faith, a gut instinct, that you showed up here on this earth plane for a purpose greater than the trauma that has happened on your journey. And yet, maybe it happened with purpose. Because here I am, with open heart, telling you about it. And you are telling me your stories, and together we are growing in our awareness and understanding of healing from trauma.
Until recently, there were two important questions that remained difficult for me to answer. When asked these questions, I could feel my face flush red. I often looked away, my eyes darting, my mind wandering to where I could sidetrack the conversation. And at the same time asking myself, how could I live it, spend fourteen years writing it, and still not know the answers?
“What is your book about?”
“What was the most important thing you learned while writing it?”
The morning my book flew out of my hands and into yours, was, as I said, overwhelming. Sitting at my desk computer, I could see the link on Amazon for A Voice in the Tide: How I Spoke My Truth in the Undertow of Denial and Self-Blame. I was excited and proud.
What a long trip it had been. Too many drafts to count, five editors, a book-designer, dozens of ink cartridges and boxes of paper later, and there it was on the laptop screen. My book cover staring back at me, my mother and I in front of my childhood home, and my name, “A Memoir by Nancy Shappell.” I felt out-of-body exhilarated.
And then, almost in that same moment, an email arrived from a long-time friend with comments on a previous blog I had posted.
“You’re a good writer, but your words have the power to hurt.”
My whole body crashed. I only read that line once and filed the note away to read later, or not.
My hands were shaking so badly I could hardly keep my fingers on the keys to respond. Did I hurt her, this person I loved, perceiving I had personally lashed out at her through a piece of writing?
Shit. I have waited for this day my whole life and now it’s ruined. In reaction, I internalized her statement. I was hurt.
I had survived so much trauma, spent years healing and writing about it, so how could this one comment take me so far down? Shit. I really, really believed that I was much stronger than this.
That day I heard from so many beautiful people. People I knew, who revealed they had lived their own horrific, secret life. People I didn’t know, also in pain, reaching out for help. A teenager who attempted suicide, a sixty-five year old who had lived her life thinking she was crazy, a short story writer who now had belief in herself that she too could publish.
My studio phone rang. My cell phone rang. A best friend sent flowers. It was an amazing first “out in the world” day. When my husband came home from work, he whisked me out the door to celebrate. But on our way for sushi, I asked him to pull into Burger King. I just wanted to sit in a dark parking lot, shut off my phone, and hide. Just for a little while. I couldn’t shake off that one comment. Was it true? Did my words have the power to hurt?
It has taken me one year to understand what happened that day of exhilaration and hurtful reaction. And, what a beautiful gift my long-time friend had given me. The missing pieces, the answers to the questions.
What is your book about?
My book is about our internal dialogue with fear, the choices we make because of it, and how that creates our life experience.
What was the most important thing you learned writing it?
The most valuable lesson I have learned is that people can only come from their own point of reference.
So who was right? My friend perceiving my words hurting her?
Who was wrong? Me perceiving her words hurting me?
Neither. We had both done the same thing.
Our truth is what we perceive in a right and wrong model of interpretation. It is our individual beliefs, based on our own past, present, or future perceived experiences. And with this, we either shut down in fear of rejection, or open up with faith that awareness will grow.
We live our lives according to our perceived limitations. However, if we allow ourselves to get beyond the fear reaction and look as the observer without judgement, a perceived worst day can gift us with the best lessons of all. And that is a huge step in our healing process.
CHICKEN SHIT SALAD
WHY CHOOSING YOURSELF IS VALIDATING
James Altucher says it like it is. In The Ultimate Guide to Self-Publishing Your Best Seller Book, in reference to manuscript drafts, he says, “The difference between the original version and the final version is like the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad.” I do love a bottom-line man.
I wrote myself out of the victim vibe in just that way. I had a pile of shitty life experiences that I eventually turned into a kick-ass healing tool. Writing my book was not only the best therapy I ever had, but also positive proof that beautiful things can grow out of manure.
Looking back at those first drafts of my memoir is painful. But, I was still trying to figure it all out. Fourteen years of revise, regurgitate, re-group, rephrase, and repeat.
Aren’t you done with that book yet? What’s taking you so long? Let go of it already. How many words do you have? When is your pub date? People!!! Back off. I’m trying to heal, here. And since when is there a time frame on that?
James Altucher, entrepreneur and best-selling author of Choose Yourself, has taught me to choose myself not only in the self-publishing world, but also in life. Don’t wait for others to offer up a validation of your work. Detox the shit out of your fear and you’ll end up with a healthy salad, full of truth.